Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Finding Focus

When I close my eyes, the memories of the beautiful beach are fading. Instead, I am dizzy. It has been slowly building the past few days. It feels as though my head is walking a few steps ahead of my eyes. I stagger a little when I walk. This has happened before, and I think is related to exertion, heat, and too much to do. My sister thinks it might be a strange occular migraine, and I think it might be Meniere's, an inner ear problem. It usually passes within a day or so, and is not totally debilitating, so I try as best as I can to soldier on. I just have to focus very hard on putting my feet in the correct spot to maintain the typical hominid walking pattern.

I thought maybe some fresh air would help, and had an 11:00 meeting with a friend nearby. I rode my bike (slowly, and with a helmet on) to Panera and was only a little dizzy. I sat at the front table for 20 minutes waiting, and then decided I must have gotten the wrong date. I did a quick glance around the restaurant, trying to stay oriented in a straight line, but didn't see her. As I biked home, my husband called. My friend had been in Panera waiting for me since 10:30. I was almost home. I felt bad, but I had not really even had that hour to easily spare.

I had to get back to schooling Asherel, and the dizziness was slowly growing. I spent the rest of the day lying down, and reading to Asherel as needed. And felt really bad for not connecting with my friend. The schedule when our school year starts is a whirlwind, and to top that off, we have a dog trial this weekend. Maybe I am just dizzy because I am running in circles too much trying to tackle it all....  What is a little daunting is that most of our extracurricular activities haven't even started yet. Life for a homeschooler is a masterclass in organizational skills. I get twenty emails a day of wonderful opportunities for my homeschooled daughter. I just delete most of them without even reading them. At some point, one just has to learn to say, no.

And I miss the beach. I would much rather close my eyes and see palm trees against a bluegreen sea, and have the wind swirling around me, rather than my eyes spinning inside my dizzy skull. I even loved the day we were at the Beach when the hurricane came visiting. I enjoyed the day of lying on the couch, watching tropical rain, and reading Lord of the Rings. Sometimes stillness is critical. For me, it almost always has to be enforced. I suspect that is why God has sent me this dizzy spell. I think He may be reminding me that I can too easily spin out of control, unless I keep my eyes focused on the one simple goal that He has put before me. Just keep my eyes on Him, and the body will go where it should.

Ecclesiastes 1:12-14

 12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind!

Matthew 11:29-30

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

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