It was either a gas bubble or a heart attack. I decided given my age, general health and fitness, it was probably a gas bubble, so didn't call the ambulance. I had first felt it during the church service. I want to a little bench outside the church door to decide whether this was worth a thousand dollars or so to get checked out. A half hour later, having skipped the church Bible Study class, the pain disappeared and I felt fine. Good. I was glad I had not spent the day in the ER for a gas bubble. I sat in the church garden watching the trees against the blue sky and was happy I was not yet dead.
However, it did make me think about how my poor daughter might have grown up without a mother. The boys are out of the house, and probably would be largely unaffected by my passing, but Asherel might still care. The dogs would surely notice. But given the nature of dogs, they would just move on and find someone else in the family to feed them.
How would I be remembered? Not as well as I would like, of that I am sure. Every night I go to bed and audibly cry out in lament over some stupid thing I have done or said. Am I all alone in this? I do not struggle at all like some people do about why I need a Savior. It is painfully obvious to me.
In the end, I just wish I were better than I am. Still, I was glad it was just a gas bubble. I still have time.
Romans 3:23-28 (NIV)
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, [24] and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. [25] God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood---to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished--- [26] he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. [27] Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. [28] For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law.
-save a dog- hollowcreekfarm.org
I too am happy that you are not dead yet. Thank you for your blogs, in which you are so open with your feelings. And, no, you are not alone in your realization of how much you need a Savior.
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