Who Am I?

My husband Arvo pointed his phone at the sky. There was Jupiter, right in the screen of my smart phone. And all the other stars and planets were named as well. I looked at the bright shining orb in the night, the real one, not the one on the phone screen.
"So that's Jupiter," I said in wonder.
"You can even look through the world to the sky on the other side," he said.
He pointed the phone down at the ground and the sky map showed other stars of the eastern hemisphere, including the sun which was of course currently shining on the other side of the world.
I was still entranced by Jupiter.
Arvo got our telescope out and beamed its lens on Jupiter. We couldn't see any details, but we could see several of Jupiter's moons. We dragged Asherel out to look at Jupiter's moons.
What a beautiful universe.

There is so much to fret over. We are such a self focused species. And yet, look at the night sky! Jupiter and all its moons suspended against a backdrop of limitless space, spinning around a sun in the dance of the infinite stars.
Why am I here, in the midst of all this grandeur? Have you ever stood before a mirror and gazed steadily into your own eyes, asking yourself who you are? I have. It is a little scary. To step outside oneself and look back trying to understand the nature of consciousness is, in my mind, as impenetrable a distance as the trek to Jupiter. Ultimately, I cannot stare very long into my own eyes. I turn away. So who just won that stare-down, I ask myself? And who exactly is staring at whom? There is an eerie "otherness" in the image staring back at me.

There is an interesting point/counterpoint of this very question in the Bible. If you do a word search of "Who am I", there are over 200 references. In each case, it is humans who frame the question with the words in that order - who, am, I .
God alone shifts the order. He alone says, "I am who I am." He is the author of all existence, and the only one who isn't wondering why He is here or who He is. This is perhaps the greatest statement of contentment there could be: "I am who I am."  And because God is secure in who He is, we can be secure in who we are, created by His hand, and placed where we could gaze out at shimmering Jupiter, suspended in the infinite darkness.

Exodus 3:11
¹¹ But Moses said to God, “Who am I...

Exodus 3:14
  ¹⁴ God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”

Engraved Names

Honeybun NA, NAJ.
This is our dog's official name now, according to AKC. She is a titled dog. We got the proof in the mail yesterday. We laughed at the simple, unobtrusive name, incongruously followed by titles. She doesn't act any differently. She sniffed her official notification, printed in fancy, framable letters. Big deal, so she jumps and navigates agility obstacles now beyond novice level. She isn't going to get sucked into this fame and fortune thing.
But we are.

"Mom," said Asherel, "We can get a medallion with her name and titles engraved on it."
"How much?"
"They start at $25."
"I don't think so," I said.

But while she wasn't looking, I read the fine print. The back of the medallion is left blank so the owner can engrave the dog's name and title on it...themselves....It isn't even engraved for $25!

This reminds me of the American Poetry Assoc... or some similarly named group contest that Matthias entered when he was a young boy. He wrote a lovely poem, which of course as his mom I cherished .  Lo and behold, he received an official paper with his name and poem on it, claiming he was one of their "winners" and his prize was publication in their book. We could order the book with all the "winners" poetry for just $150!  I am a rotten, cynical mother, so instead, I cut out his poem, and hung it on the refrigerator.

We are such a vain species. We so long for recognition. If we don't get it by doing good things, we seek after it by doing bad things. We hate to think we are just a nobody, a speck of dust floating by like all the other nameless specks of dust. I like to challenge myself to try to understand- "who am I when no one is looking...when no one knows what I am doing, thinking, being?"  I am not sure I can answer that question. Not fully. The closest I can get is to consider what brings me unquenchable joy. When I am in the presence of unquenchable joy, I am probably most who I am at the core. We all have different lists of what brings that overwhelming joy, but I think it is a good list to ponder.

Solomon is probably the most famous of these kinds of seekers. In the Bible book Ecclesiastes, he searches for the meaning of life, what gives him value, satisfaction, joy.  He admits it is not wealth, women, or wild living. He tried all those things, and ultimately realized they failed him. It is not fame- he was King! Still he was not convinced life was anything greater than a futile grasping of the wind.

I think this is why I like dogs so much. They are seemingly so content to be fed, loved, and eat an occasional dead squirrel or chase a ball. Their needs are so simple. They appear to find joy in simply being. How many of us can honestly say that? I know I can't.  I am not content to just be.... I want titles after my name that could be engraved on a silver medalion.

The funny thing is... I have that.

When the disciples returned from one of the missions Jesus had sent them on to proclaim His name, they are pretty full of themselves, because  "even the demons submit to us!" It is a heady thing, power. But Jesus quickly reminds them that is not what they should be rejoicing over. Instead, He tells them, their names are engraved by God Himself. Rejoice over that. My name is engraved in Heaven.

I threw away the AKC medallion offer. Honeybun still curled up at my feet that night and turned adoring eyes upon me. Her name was engraved on my heart, and that is all she cared about.

Luke 10: 17-20
 ¹⁷ The seventy-two returned with joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.”
 ¹⁸ He replied, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. ¹⁹ I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. ²⁰ However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”