Delusions

I sent the art gallery owner an album of photographs of my art work. I felt before lugging all my work over to a meeting with her, it would be wise to have her select the pieces she was most interested in. Then I set about daydreaming of how to spend the millions I would make when my undiscovered talent was finally discovered. I thought of how she would open that album, and within seconds would be on the phone, telling me my work was not only to take center stage in the gallery but she wanted to set up a one woman show now, today, and begin printing flyers.
"How does The Future of Art is Here in Charlotte sound for a title?" she asked me in my happy musings.
My phone was blinking, alerting me to a new email.
I smugly scrolled to my gmail, and opened the letter from the gallery. I could almost hear the applause.

"Thankyou for sharing your album," she wrote,"While your work has a great deal of creativity and energy, it is not quite at the maturity level I am seeking for our gallery......"  There was more. She still wanted to meet to discuss greeting card art for which she felt I was suited, and she would be willing to display, and she could suggest how to improve my fine art portfolio. I will take her up on that....later. With my visit to help Amy and my son's wedding looming, I don't have the time or energy for another project. Frankly, all my energy was siphoning off into keeping a stiff upper lip.
"Please don't be discouraged..." she wrote, as though that would somehow pick my chin up off the floor.

Her gallery did display some truly gorgeous art. I shouldn't be ashamed that I lack that level of "maturity"....whatever that means. But what really distresses me is that I was deluded enough to think I did. Am I like one of those early entrants in American Idol tryouts, that everyone laughs at, and they put on TV because no one can imagine how anyone that sings like that could even begin to think they could be the next American Idol? How many other areas of my life am I faking myself out in that way?  Will the next gmail be from one of my kids:
"Dear Mom, while you get an A for effort, you lack the maturity to be a convincing and effective mother. However, you seem to have a talent for raising dogs. Perhaps you should focus your energies in that direction instead."
And most disturbing, a gmail from the toilet:
"Dear homekeeper, while I applaud your efforts at approximating cleanliness, you lack the maturity to do a truly thorough job and I would suggest you apply your energies towards a low skilled job that would pay for a house cleaner that knows what she is doing."

But I am not discouraged. Discouragement looks like someone bawling her eyes out while the dog creeps from his bed and lays his silky chin on her lap and lets her run tear stained fingers through his ruff......

Arvo and I went on a walk in the excruciating heat on a treelined sidewalk while Asherel was in youth group. The sun tried valiantly to melt us but it couldn't quite vaporize us through all the shadows cast by the overhanging limbs. Light and dark danced around us.  That's just how it is sometimes. Life is filled with lightness and darkness. Exaltation and Disappointment. Sickness and healing. Reality and Delusion. The pastor at the church had mentioned that in heaven there will be no darkness. It will all be light. And all the fears that assail us in the middle of the dark night will be forever gone.  It occurred to me, does that mean no more sleep in heaven? Because frankly, I really look forward to going to bed each night, curling up with a good book, and drifting off to a land of fantasy....one not created by my own delusions of grandeur.

John 12:
³⁵ Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. ³⁶ Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light.”