To Go on Living

     I always feel a simultaneous horror and delight when about to go skiing.  The horror is of course from envisioning all the trees that could step in front of me while I am on a wild careening free fall, or the bitter cold slowly wrenching the protoplasm from the cells in my nose, or perhaps falling and splintering every tiny bone in my body. The delight is obvious, however. Careening free falls down hills dotted with snow speckled trees, invigorating cold mountain air, the feeling of using every tiny bone in my body.

     There is fresh snow on the slopes, the car was packed three weeks ago for the trip that kept getting cancelled, and the roads are clear.  The trip I organized for area homeschoolers looks like it is going to really happen. i found myself waking at various points in the night and groaning, and then smiling.  I think it is safe to say that I am crazy. I love risk, but it terrifies me.  I confess, probably to my shame, that I never look forward to something with pure joy. There is inevitably a sense of foreboding as well. Usually once I am in the situation, that duality passes, and I am one with the moment.

     Paul of the Bible could identify, I think. He tells us that while he longs to be with Jesus and out of this world of trouble, He also longs to stay and do God's will here on Earth. That conflicting pull of heaven and earth is present in nearly all of life, I think. Follow the ways of heaven or the ways of earth?

Delight in men's approval, or God's? I am not sure it is possible to have both. One is just a foster home. The other is permanent.

     "Vicky, good grief, you are just going skiing! You never get off the green easy slopes. Does everything have to turn into some deep, poetic musing?"

     I hang my head, " I am not very good at just going with the flow."

     "I'll say! For once would you just enjoy the blessings of God?"

     "Yes, yes, I will!" I cry, strapping helmet, ankle, wrist, and knee braces and tucking my will in my pocket, with the numbers of next of kin.

Philippians 1:20-25 NIV

I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,