Sufficient unto itself

Sometimes in between ripping out your hair, you just gotta smile. Amy is still in the hospital and still on heavy duty drugs for pain, though being weaned from them. But Matt got an awesome job offer for a summer internship. First year law students have a very hard time getting paid internships. He was willing to do one for free.  He still isn't certain about all the specifics and how it will work, and especially will his soon to be wife be able to join him in the Florida job til he returns to law school in August. But right now, it sure feels like a gift hand delivered by God. Every time I opened my eyes in the night I whispered, "Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou....."

He did get one other offer but I won't share too many of the details on that in case there are hit men out looking for him. Not only was that one unpaid, but he would be required to carry a sealed envelope back and forth between DC and Tehran. They cautioned there were certain risks involved in this law internship, one of which was wearing a belt that detonated when he pushed a little red button, blowing him and the "sensitive" contents of the envelope to smithereens.
"I am not sure this is the kind of position I am hoping for," said Matt.
"Son, beggars cannot be choosers," said the lawyer, pushing the arrest warrant to the side of his desk unobtrusively.
Matt hemmed and hawed over that one, so i am really grateful this second one seems to be coming through for him.

Holly, who with her incredible attorney friend Bertha was a huge help in linking Matt with the sane and reputable lawyer, and I were discussing how very hard it is for young adults to get started in life. We remembered how idealistic we were in our young twenties. I crossed the country to start grad school in California in a beaten up old car wth a grand total of $200. I had no money for tuition,  which would be due in a month, and no idea how I was going to get it. But I had a head filled with hopes and dreams and fluff.....and somehow, it all worked out.

Face it, if we were born with the list of all we would have to overcome before we returned to dust, most of us would crawl right back in the womb. It is one of God's greatest gifts that He keeps the next day veiled. The one comfort Solomon discovered is that the day is sufficient unto itself. Enjoy the gifts God gives you for this moment. It might be the only one you have this side of eternity. Smile whenever the urge seizes you. Tomorrow could be filled with frowns.

Hebrews 3:13

¹³ But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Sometimes God brings Robins

"Where is she?" we asked, looking around the Alzheimer's unit. Usually we saw Evelyn sitting in the chair against the wall, hands folded in her lap. At that moment, she came walking into the room, with a huge paper tiara on her head and the bold "Happy Birthday" glittered across the front.

She beamed, as usual upon seeing Comer and when I handed her the birthday banana bread I had made, she ripped it open and devoured a slice before we reached her room.

"I can only stay a little while today," I said, "I have to go pick up Asherel from her Spanish class."
I had dropped her, zipped up there to bring Comer to his birthday wife, and then had to dash back to get Asherel when the class ended. The neighbors were tag teaming like a well oiled heart, I pulsed him in, and Carolyn would pulse him out. The neighbor coming Monday, Kristin, would go on the shuttle with Comer that I had discovered was available to him. She would help him feel comfortable making the trek on his own, on the days we couldn't make it out there. He would never have to miss a day with Evelyn again, not while she was still here.

Evelyn and Comer settled in their side by side recliners ("so we can hold hands," he said) and I sat on the bed across from them as Evelyn opened the card I'd made.
"Did you draw that? " asked Comer.
"I made it on the computer." That launced a discussion of computers and somehow I mentioned my book I was writing.
"You wrote a book!" exclaimed Comer.
"I wrote two," I said, "One is the story of Honeybun, and one is a book about angels. It is about when I feel I have seen and touched the miracles of God.... and sometimes angels."
"Tell me one of your stories," said Comer.
"Would you like to hear one?" I asked Evelyn.
"I love stories," said Evelyn, "I would like to hear one."

So I told them the story of when God sent angels in the guise of  tow truck drivers one icy, deserted night after I crashed on black ice. I was not a believer yet, but the tow truck vanished, literally disappeared after the workers rescued me, pulled out my crumpled wheel wells,and sent me shakily on my way.... at no charge. I knew Comer and Evelyn probably thought I was the one who belonged in the Alzheimer unit after that story, but they had been entertained.

"That is an amazing story!" said Comer, "Do you have others?"
"Lots more!" I said, "Would you like to hear another?"
Comer and Evelyn sat side by side, like they were in a theater as I stood before them on my stage.
"Yes!" said Evelyn, "I love stories." She nodded her head and the paper birthday tiara swayed.

"This is my favorite one," I said, "It is about a robin. When Anders was just two years old and we were new believers in Jesus, I heard him one morning talking in his bedroom. I peeked around the corner "(here I pantomined tiptoing and sneaking around an imagined wall) "and I saw his two little feet poking out from under the curtain. He was looking out the window and talking to the robins. It was newly Spring in NY and when spring comes to NY, huge flocks of robins return. Anders was saying, ' I just want to hold you. I promise I won't hurt you.'  Then he heaved a huge sigh and he said, 'Dear Lord, please let me hold a robin. Amen.'
     Now I know this sounds like a big speech for a two year old but Anders was always precocious and spoke in full sentences at a very young age. Meanwhile, I stood in the hallway, tears trickling down my face wondering, 'Now what? My young boy's faith in God, so innocent and trusting is about to be shattered. What can I say to him? How can God bring him a robin to hold?' "

Evelyn nodded.

"So, I gathered him up and we headed off to my parents' lake house. I used to help them open it up in the spring after it had been locked and closed for the winter. No one else had been out there yet that year. We pulled up to the house, and I left Anders in his car seat with the car door open while I went to unlock the front door. I would air the house out and open the windows, and then get Anders. As I opened the front door, I heard a fluttering on the counter. I turned on the light. Do you know what I saw?"

"A robin!?" guessed Comer, his eyes wide.
"A robin!" I cried, tears again trickling to my eyes.
"Oh my!" smiled Evelyn.

"So I went over, and cupped my hands around the robin, and carried it out to Anders. I held out my hands and told him, 'Look Anders, God brought you a robin.'  Then I put the robin gently in Anders hands. Anders held the robin without saying a word. Then I told Anders it was likely the robin was hurt, because why else would he have let us pick him up without a struggle? So I took him carefully from Anders' hands and started to walk back to the porch. The robin flapped his wings, and soared away, to the tops of the budding trees."

Evelyn clapped with delight. Comer laughed. I wiped the tears of that impossible memory from my eyes.
Sometimes God brings struggle and hardship, pain and disease. We trust that in His wisdom, there is a purpose we don't understand, may never understand this side of Heaven. But sometimes He brings Robins.

Psalm 85:10-12

 ¹⁰ Love and faithfulness meet together;
   righteousness and peace kiss each other.
¹¹ Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,
   and righteousness looks down from heaven.
¹² The LORD will indeed give what is good,
   and our land will yield its harvest.

Bells Ringing Love

Everything is being slowly buried under a thick yellow layer of pollen here in Charlotte. It is nonetheless gorgeous to sit and gaze at the beauty of spring erupting.... if you can excavate a place to sit in the mounds of yellow sneeze-makers. The trees are all in full bloom, the lime spring grass is healthy for the few weeks left before the sun magnifies its efforts to kill it. Azalea and irises are parading their glorious petals. Ah spring....ah...choo!

Inside, we are slowly being buried by layers of other things. With the end of school in sight, and both Matt's college graduation and Asherel's Global DI Finals in the next 5 weeks, we seem to never sit down. Every surface is slowly being covered with things we will put away "soon". The clutter is beginning to overwhelm me as effectively as the pollen. Soon better come...soon.

Meanwhile, Asherel is busily adding to the clutter preparing for the necessities of attending the Global Finals. She has to make a duct tape hat for Opening Ceremonies. She made me mine, and then went furiously to work on hers. While I was out shopping for clothes to buy for her and then return for her, she called and asked me to pick up 3 "jingle bells". I went into the dollar store and asked if they carried jingle bells. The woman did not speak English.
"Jingle bells?" I repeated, slowly, carefully.
She looked confused and said, "Everything dollar!"
I pantomimed a jingle bell jingling and tried again, carefully enunciating.
She listened intently and then brought me to the aisle with ice-cream toppers.
"Not sprinkles," I said, "Jingle bells... like on elf hats?"
"Everything dollar!"

So I headed home without jingle bells.... and decided I would help Asherel get her room clutter under control since Matt's girlfriend will be staying in that room in 3 weeks and it will take at least that long to forge a path to the bed. I slowly began rearranging and clearing and moved a pile of things from an end table which I carefully boxed and put in the closet. Returning to the clean table, there on the edge lay jingle bells.... 3 large jingle bells.

I walked out to Asherel who was working on math and handed her the jingle bells.
"Where did you buy these?" she asked.
"They were in your room....you don't know where they came from?"
She shook her head, "No.... no idea."
We looked at each other.
"How many did you need?" I asked.
"Three," she answered looking down at the 3 shiny jingle bells in her hand.

Most of you think I am lying, and the rest of you think I am crazy. At least I have a witness. If you don't believe me, ask Asherel. I have asked God for many things this year, some heart-breaking requests have gone unanswered..... but within a few hours, He gave me 3 jingle bells.
Why this prayer that I didn't even pray was answered so exactly, I don't know. But I am quite sure that every hair on my head is counted, even when covered with a duct tape hat with jingle bells on it.

Exodus 28:35
The sound of the bells will be heard when he enters the Holy Place before the LORD

Joy!

I love the assortment of cookies in the children box God gave me. One is intellectual, silent, serious. Another is garrulous, emotional, intense, and wacky. A third is a mixture, but tends towards the very creative artistic type. I see bits of myself in all of them, but the most unreachable is probably my oldest. He doesn't like to talk, finds it meaningless, even painful, and wasteful of the allotted breaths humans can take on this earth.

On the other hand, talking through what I am feeling and thinking is very valuable to me. I share his stumbling with words, but still feel it is a critical aspect of human interaction. We are always at an impasse emotionally, totally clueless as to how the other can exist in their own psyche. I try to understand and silence my maternal concern. I try to exist quietly in his presence, but it is not easy. I prayed very specifically yesterday morning that God would grant a miracle of opening doors between us.

Last night, Arvo told me the kids should open the gift he had bought early. He said it was important since Anders only had a few days to spend with us. Based on my non-materialistic son's usual stoic response to gifts, I was not sure it was worth decreasing the visual and gluttonous excess of all the gifts under the tree Christmas morning, but being the typical dutiful and obedient wife (sarcasm is dripping like melted butter here...), I acquiesced.

The kids lined up by the large gift and Anders ripped open a corner. Now the fact that Anders even bothered to approach the gift with anything looking like interest was enough to tip me off that I was watching a miracle. When he lifted the box and began ripping into it, and the others converged on it tearing away packaging like sharks on a piece of meat, I felt knobs turning, rusty hinges creaking.

As they pulled out the guitars, and drums, and began hooking up the Beatles Rock Band set to the Wii, Matt smiled at me and said, "GOOD gift!" Anders, my silent Anders, was chattering away. He was singing, out loud, Beatles songs.

He asked me, as he handed me the mircrophone, if I wanted to sing. He assigned himself to the drums, and Matt to the guitar. Asherel and Arvo sat on the couch watching, and waiting their turn. Then Anders cranked the music up loud and our sunroom became a concert hall. The boys were at the "expert" level. I was a "beginner", but many times I noticed the screen flash extra points because we were all "in unison." If it would not have made my emotion-fearful son run screaming away, I would have burst into tears with joy. Never had I loved my husband more for having the wisdom to know just what we all needed to reconnect.

So while the typical Christmas message would be quite the opposite, I discovered that money CAN buy happiness. Maybe not permanently, and maybe not the kind that will carry you to the other side of "this mortal coil", but it is the most blissful family moment we have had with our adult children I think in a very long time.