A Book of Hope

     My e-book version of I'm Listening With a Broken Ear is having a promotion. It was advertised to Kindle owners and offered free for download to any mobile device/computer/iPod for two days. For some reason, it is still free. I am not sure how long that will last. However, I had forgotten that they would be doing a promotion and just happened to check the website where I can track my book sales. I do that occasionally when I feel like tormenting myself and lowering my self esteem. It was in the morning yesterday.
     "That's odd," I told my husband Arvo, "I have sold a hundred books this morning."
     I then checked an hour later.
     "I have sold 300!" I was becoming famous and I wasn't even dead yet!
    Within the next hour, I had sold almost a thousand. I get no royalties during the promotion, but it didn't matter. My book was flying off the shelves. It had started as something like the 410,000 most popular e-book in it's category. By the end of the day, it soared to #2. Some people wrote to tell me they enjoyed the e-book so much that they were ordering the print version. The print version is currently about the 1 millionth best selling book on Amazon....but you just never know what a little promotion might do. A blizzard starts with one snowflake.
     My son Matt found the promotional site, which I had not even seen, and there were comments, from strangers all over the country. They said things like, "This one looks really good. I've started it and it is so interesting."  Another comment said, "This one looks like a tear jerker. I don't want to read another sad dog story."
     NO! , I wanted to tell her, it is not another sad dog story! In this one the dog overcomes!The dog  is even still alive when the book ends. This is a book of hope! This is the perfect book for Christmas. Similarly,who could have imagined that  the story of a frightened, unmarried teenager who finds herself pregnant and then  travels on a donkey hundreds of miles just before going into labor, and then huddles in a manger as there was no room in the inn to finally birth this seemingly illegitimate child  would end so happily?
Speaker#1:   Happily....? He ends up on the cross.
Speaker#2:   That's not the ending. You are forgetting what happened three days later.
Speaker#1:   Well yes...that part was happy.
Speaker#2:    And then what happens eternally to all who believe.....if that's not happy, I don't know what is!      
     
    My son Matt called late that evening, "Mom, I got a call back on the Federal Reserve internship for this summer."
    It was a day full of hopeful surprises.

Psalm 31: 4
4 Be strong and take heart,
   all you who hope in the LORD.

Meltdown

Perhaps it was the rain, or maybe it was the 3 hours of work that still loomed for my daughter, or maybe it was the muddy dog, or maybe the penciling in one more thing on the already overfull calendar...I am not sure what the catalyst was...oh, perhaps it was the list of catalysts  and enzymes Asherel is required to memorize for AP Biology which seemed like such a good idea when I was planning our highschool schedule in the summer and now as I read the details, less so....
BUT at any rate, something caused me to have a minor melt down. I have had worse. This one was contained and no permanent damage was done to those outside the 20 feet perimeter of the unexpected collapse of what had once been a functioning human being.

The art class had left, and as I scurried to clean up, I had one hour to get Asherel out the door and fed and ready for her church Youth Group. I had to vacuum immediately or the charcoal bits and dust from the class would spread like gangrene through the house. I grabbed the vacuum and then raced quickly to the refrigerator to be sure we had easy dinner food I could microwave. We did have chicken, and raw broccoli...that would do for two of the food groups. Carbs? What could I use for quick and easy carbs? Ah, leftover pizza. It would have to do.
Then I plugged in the vacuum and glanced at my watch. I had a half hour.
"I cannot do this," I said. And just like that, I melted into a panicked, overwhelmed, overburdened, pessimistic mess. Arvo, noting the vacant look and tendrils of radioactive dismay steaming from my nostrils asked if I needed help.
"I cannot do this," I repeated.
He took the vacuum and I robotically prepared the gourmet meal of leftover chicken, raw broccoli, and pizza. No one complained as we ate in near silence. I would've chatted but there was a tape playing in my head singing over and over again, "I cannot do this."

This, my friends, is a defeatist attitude. I have a wonderful family, and they try very hard. Asherel really could not be working any harder. She is a gem. Something has got to change in our schedule, but we are at a loss as to what it should be.

And then I started thinking about illegal aliens. Sometimes a mind that is melting does strange things. I am a nationalist, and I believe in sovereignty of nations, and I believe in borders, and in national pride etc...but for some reason, I started wondering if my premise was flawed. Why does one people have the sovereign right to close the borders to another? We are studying the Revolutionary War period, and both Asherel and I are filled with conflicting emotions. Yay, America! Oh, poor Britain. And especially oh poor Indians. The history of why we are a nation is really filled with courage, and ideals, but also with selfishness. Our claim to the land is based on who grabbed it more effectively from someone else. I know there are valid arguments for national rights, especially for a nation like Israel who has had a history of getting the snuff beat out of them no matter where they go. They need a nation to call their own, and they must defend it with every bit of energy they have. But I don't know. If I was a wretchedly poor native of a corrupt country, why should I, by accident of birth, not be allowed to go wherever I could make a better life? 
I think I am having a crisis of thought. This happens sometimes when I eat pizza, chicken, and raw broccoli for dinner. I did a word study of Nations in the Bible. There is no doubt God established and worked through nations. And He clearly chose Israel to be His chosen ones, a nation of people that He preserved, and untimately used to bring forth His Messiah, and plan of redemption of humankind. There are almost 400 references to nations, and how they will battle each other. Why so much unrest in my heart over nations? But then, in Psalm 10, God proclaims that in the eternal perspective, the Nations perish. The downtrodden will be heard.

I read over the AP Biology manual.
"Facts should not be taught over concepts," it said, "Lest the student be overwhelmed."
"Do you understand the concept of glycolosis?" I asked Asherel.
"I think so."
"Then we do an open book test tomorrow. If you get the concept, that is enough.You can just look up the enzymes."
I don't know about you, but sometimes a little perspective for me can provide a cooling flood of relief, and stay a nuclear meltdown.

Psalm 10:
¹⁶ The LORD is King for ever and ever;
   the nations will perish from his land.
¹⁷ You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted;
   you encourage them, and you listen to their cry

Finding Focus

When I close my eyes, the memories of the beautiful beach are fading. Instead, I am dizzy. It has been slowly building the past few days. It feels as though my head is walking a few steps ahead of my eyes. I stagger a little when I walk. This has happened before, and I think is related to exertion, heat, and too much to do. My sister thinks it might be a strange occular migraine, and I think it might be Meniere's, an inner ear problem. It usually passes within a day or so, and is not totally debilitating, so I try as best as I can to soldier on. I just have to focus very hard on putting my feet in the correct spot to maintain the typical hominid walking pattern.

I thought maybe some fresh air would help, and had an 11:00 meeting with a friend nearby. I rode my bike (slowly, and with a helmet on) to Panera and was only a little dizzy. I sat at the front table for 20 minutes waiting, and then decided I must have gotten the wrong date. I did a quick glance around the restaurant, trying to stay oriented in a straight line, but didn't see her. As I biked home, my husband called. My friend had been in Panera waiting for me since 10:30. I was almost home. I felt bad, but I had not really even had that hour to easily spare.

I had to get back to schooling Asherel, and the dizziness was slowly growing. I spent the rest of the day lying down, and reading to Asherel as needed. And felt really bad for not connecting with my friend. The schedule when our school year starts is a whirlwind, and to top that off, we have a dog trial this weekend. Maybe I am just dizzy because I am running in circles too much trying to tackle it all....  What is a little daunting is that most of our extracurricular activities haven't even started yet. Life for a homeschooler is a masterclass in organizational skills. I get twenty emails a day of wonderful opportunities for my homeschooled daughter. I just delete most of them without even reading them. At some point, one just has to learn to say, no.

And I miss the beach. I would much rather close my eyes and see palm trees against a bluegreen sea, and have the wind swirling around me, rather than my eyes spinning inside my dizzy skull. I even loved the day we were at the Beach when the hurricane came visiting. I enjoyed the day of lying on the couch, watching tropical rain, and reading Lord of the Rings. Sometimes stillness is critical. For me, it almost always has to be enforced. I suspect that is why God has sent me this dizzy spell. I think He may be reminding me that I can too easily spin out of control, unless I keep my eyes focused on the one simple goal that He has put before me. Just keep my eyes on Him, and the body will go where it should.

Ecclesiastes 1:12-14

 ¹² I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. ¹³ I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind!

Matthew 11:29-30

²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”