Struggling Alone

The rest of my family was worn out and no one seemed eager to haul the kayaks around again. I knew the week ahead held a host of nitpicky, not enjoyable tasks so decided carpe diem.... and off I went all alone to kayak the Catawba River. All alone, just me and the 3,000 other Charlotteans with this wonderful idea.

I don't love crowds when I am getting back to nature. When there are crowds, nature hides. I had to kayak quite far upriver from the popular rental place before I began seeing turtles sunning themselves along the shore again. There is safety in the crowd, and that is why we tend to cluster. I think at heart, most of us are scared to death. It is better to have someone to huddle against.

So I have very strong conflicting needs.  Every time I think of all the horrid things that could go wrong to a lone kayaker in an inflatable kayak, I almost don't dare go at all. But at the same time, there is a strong voice knocking on my ear drum telling me that I am one with nature, and I need to see the quiet, lonely, peaceful beauty unencumbered by consensus of the masses. So I usually choose a happy medium. The crowd is near, but I venture off to the fringes of it. And every time I move beyond the fringes, I feel thrill and terror comingled.

 I have never felt a strong need for company. I love being alone. My thoughts seem quite reasonable and are adequate companions for me most of the time. Until something goes wrong. Either my thoughts led me to someplace that they shouldn't have or I am in some sort of distress or trouble. At that point, I long for others to help hold me up. Knowing this about myself, I tend to be a better foul-weather than fair-weather friend. If my friends are doing fine, I don't seek them out as much as I should. But if they are hurting, I feel drawn to kindred sufferers and I want to help. It is really sort of strange.
I can relate to Jacob of the Old Testament. He was left alone when in fear of his brother's wrath, he sent all his servants and family away. As he steeled himself to meet the brother he felt would kill him,  a 'man' wrestled with him throughout the long lonely night. In the end, the 'man' touched Jacob's hip, wrenching it, because he saw Jacob would not be overcome. At that moment, the 'man' renamed Jacob Israel, which means literally "to prevail with God", and Jacob knew he had wrestled with God all night, and had overcome.

This is what I have found to be true in my life. When I am surrounded by others, I may feel safety, encouragement, and sometimes contentment.... but I only see God face to face when I am alone. He is sort of like the turtles on the shore. In all the turbulence of the crowds they disappear from direct sight. They are there, but I can't see them til I take myself to a quiet place, beyond the maddening crowd. And sometimes wrestling with God in my aloneness results  in pain, like Jacob's did, but ultimately it is only in that one on one struggle with God that one can truly overcome, truly prevail, truly believe.....

As I glided silently in peaceful lonely waters, I saw a huge 3 foot turtle. He watched me til I was nearly upon him, and then slowly slid into the water, leaving the gift of his presence in a swirling wake.

Genesis 32: 22-30
 ²² That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”    But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
 ²⁷ The man asked him, “What is your name?”
   “Jacob,” he answered.
 ²⁸ Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
 ²⁹ Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
   But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
 ³⁰ So Jacob called the place Peniel saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”