Fashion Delusions

After 6 years of changing prescriptions, I decided I needed a new pair of back up glasses. I wear contacts and only put on my glasses when I want to remind myself of how Ugly Betty feels. But I traipsed to the GlassesRU store and stood mystified before the rows and rows of spectacles.

I tried them on, one after another, and after increasingly violent shudders, moved on to the next row.
"Can I help you?" asked a saleslady.
"Is it that obvious?" I asked.
"What are you looking for?" she said smiling.
"That's the problem!" I moaned, "I just don't know. I haven't bought glasses in 6 years. I have no idea what people wear anymore. I don't want to look even more geeky than I already do in glasses."
("Good luck with that," said Asherel when I recounted the story to her.)

"Well, first of all," said the sweet woman, "You are in the wrong section."
I glanced up quickly. I would have thought I would know the difference between men and women glasses! No, it said "women" above the row I was in.
"You need to be looking at children's frames," she advised, pulling me over to the section with little Micky Mouse and Princess tags hanging off the glasses.
"You have a very small face," she said, "And glasses for big people will overpower your features."
I put my pacifier in my mouth and toddled over to the children's section.
"Next, what color do you want?"
"Color? I don't think I want color. I don't want to be too conspicuous."
"Oh everyone is wearing color these days."
"They are? "
"You will look more conspicuous in old silver granny frames."
I put the old silver granny frames back.
"Here....try these."
"Purple?"
"Purple is very in right now."
"I don't think my husband will let me in the house in purple glasses."
Sigh.
"Well, then, how about these?"
She handed me a blue pair.
"He will laugh at these too. The first glasses I got my poor little boy were blue. I thought he looked adorable but now when I look back at those pictures.....no.... I don't think blue."
She handed me a bronze colored pair. I put them on and looked at her.
"Boring," she said. I had to agree with her on that one.
Black? ugh! Brown? ick! Taupe? Bleh!
"Let me see those purple ones," I asked.
"Those are the ones I suggested in the first place."
"I know.....but maybe color is just what I need."
She smirked and handed me the purple glasses. We both gazed at my reflection, her knowing smile spreading.
"I'll take these," I sighed.
"Good choice! Now do you want antiglare lenses?"
"I don't know....do I?"
"Probably if what you most use them for is driving at night. How about the photochromatic lenses?"
"What's that?"
"They change to sunglasses in the sunlight."
"Well that would be useful."
I remembered my mom getting those kind of glasses. The manufacturer made a mistake and only put in one of those darkening lenses though and Mom walked about like a pirate in the sunlight til it was repaired.
I was dripping in sweat as I finally made all the choices and paid.

The next day my mother of the groom dress arrived. I tried it on, and it was quickly apparent I probably should have been shopping in the kid's section for that as well.
"I'm going to the alteration shop," I called to Asherel.
"Can I come? This should be fun," she said.

I stood on the pedestal before the 3 way mirror, the dress dripping dangerously low.
"This dress is made for someone bigger here," said the dressmaker, through the pins in her mouth pointing to a region of my body I would prefer not to discuss.
"I tried on a size 14," I explained, "It was all they had. They pinned it up and it looked wonderful. I had no idea it was going to be this low....."
She had no sympathy for me. I didn't have the rapport I had had with the glass saleswoman.
She began marking where the hem would go while I looked in dismay at the neckline which didn't come even close to my neck. No way would I traipse anywhere but in a bedroom in this dress. Then I had an idea.
"You will cut off plenty of material when you hem it, right?"
"Yes," she said.
"Could you make a drape of material right here?"
I pointed to that part of my body that I would still prefer not to discuss.
She stood up and prodded and pulled and then nodded.
"Yes, that will work. I could add an inch."
"Two?"
"No, one inch will cover you nicely, but two inches will not look good on this dress."
"OK."
"Now, you said you had a jacket you wondered if it would look well with this dress and if it fit?"
"Yes," I said, "Shall I put it on?"
She nodded and I grabbed the jacket from the dressing room.
As soon as I donned it, she shook her head, and tried very hard not to laugh.
"No," she said, "You cannot wear that jacket. It is too heavy and too wintry."
"What should I get then?" I asked, "I got a pashmina, but it looks so long and big on me."
She shrugged and went to price the alterations. I could see I would need to go back to Glasses RU to talk to that woman about my dress jacket.

As we left the store, I realized that I just have no taste. I wonder if everyone has been laughing at me whenever I have ever walked into a room. The sad thing is that I thought I had taste.
"Have I just been deluded?" I asked Asherel, as I hung the jacket in the car.
She looked down and smirked.

I wonder what we will wear in heaven? Will there be clothes at all? Will we have choices for designer halos? I sure hope not, unless in Heaven we will also be assigned a personal wardrobe consultant.

Genesis 28:20
 ²⁰ ... “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear ²¹ so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LORD will be my God

True Believers

My mother always said, if you wait long enough, everything you own will come back in style. My drawer full of every size, style, material, and color of fanny packs will now be the most coveted fashion accessory of the year. Haute couture runways throughout the fashion world are parading tall sleek models sporting FANNY PACKS!!!!!
I kid you not! And listen to what the reporters of the Wall Street Journal are saying about these staples of my wardrobe:

"Diane von Furstenberg, creative director Yvan Mispelaere- His $325 DVF belted satchels hitting stores this month aren't actually called fanny packs, of course. Mr. Mispelaere refers to them as "hands-free bags"—a name, he says, that helps convey "a functional shape, but with a touch of glamour, a touch of luxury and a touch of seriousness."

"accessory that has been decidedly démodé for at least two decades: the fanny pack. "

"Korean-American handbag designer Sang A Im-Propp, who sells an alligator version for $1,995, calls hers a "belt bag." The term "fanny pack," she says, "is just eww, so cheesy, so tacky, so horrible." Celebrities, increasingly keen to emphasize lower-body curves, have been early adopters. Singer Rihanna was captured by paparazzi while wearing a Louis Vuitton fanny pack on a trip to London in late 2009. Ciara, in her "Gimmie Dat" video, pairs stripper heels and a leather bustier with a giant red fanny pack that spells the word "FLY." Despite the lampooning, the usefulness of the item has never eluded true believers. "

So that is what I am!!! I am a "true believer". I have been one of those "decidedly demode" laughed at "touristy types" that have worn fanny packs for two decades.... Now finally, finally the world has figured out fanny packs are incredibly practical and comfortable. I just cannot wait to start parading out in my fanny packs again. My lovely black embroidered velvet one for dress occasions, my 30 gallon rip stop nylon one for serious tourism, my small and convenient biking/skiing one with water bottle holders.....OH life is worth living again!!!!

You cannot imagine the abuse that has been heaped upon me by so-called "loved ones" because of my fanny pack fetish. At last, it is I in my fanny pack that will be featured on the cover of Vogue, the prescient wise and ever so glamorous one. I see that the only mistake I made was in not properly naming this accessory. If only I had thought to call it a "hands free" bag.... I would never have had to suffer through purses.

Yesterday, before I had received this life-changing news, my own lovely purse that Asherel made for me out of duct tape must have had a premonition. This is a TRUE story. I was at the phone store dealing with my phone exorcism (yesterday's post for those of you who think I am making this up), when all of a sudden, the strap of my purse snapped off. I grabbed the purse and had to carry it without a strap until Asherel could repair it. My own purse was giving me a message. Hands free bags- the wave of the future!

I cannot understand why my future daughter in law has not responded to my email asking her what color she wants my mother of the groom fanny pack to be. And why did my son see this news about the fanny pack, send me the link with only one word in his email: " Great." I think perhaps these beloved ones are not true believers.

Surprisingly, the Bible does discuss fanny packs... though of course back in those days they weren't called fanny packs, or even hands free packs.  They were called "purses that will not wear out." They were used as a symbol of what we should be clothing ourselves with. We should be thinking less of fashion,  and more of what covers us with eternal beauty. That is of course Jesus Himself, who hands us fanny packs that will never go out of style.

Luke 12:23
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.



Psalm 65:12
The grasslands of the wilderness overflow; the hills are clothed with gladness.





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"Nothing is impossible with God"