True Believers

My mother always said, if you wait long enough, everything you own will come back in style. My drawer full of every size, style, material, and color of fanny packs will now be the most coveted fashion accessory of the year. Haute couture runways throughout the fashion world are parading tall sleek models sporting FANNY PACKS!!!!!
I kid you not! And listen to what the reporters of the Wall Street Journal are saying about these staples of my wardrobe:

"Diane von Furstenberg, creative director Yvan Mispelaere- His $325 DVF belted satchels hitting stores this month aren't actually called fanny packs, of course. Mr. Mispelaere refers to them as "hands-free bags"—a name, he says, that helps convey "a functional shape, but with a touch of glamour, a touch of luxury and a touch of seriousness."

"accessory that has been decidedly démodé for at least two decades: the fanny pack. "

"Korean-American handbag designer Sang A Im-Propp, who sells an alligator version for $1,995, calls hers a "belt bag." The term "fanny pack," she says, "is just eww, so cheesy, so tacky, so horrible." Celebrities, increasingly keen to emphasize lower-body curves, have been early adopters. Singer Rihanna was captured by paparazzi while wearing a Louis Vuitton fanny pack on a trip to London in late 2009. Ciara, in her "Gimmie Dat" video, pairs stripper heels and a leather bustier with a giant red fanny pack that spells the word "FLY." Despite the lampooning, the usefulness of the item has never eluded true believers. "

So that is what I am!!! I am a "true believer". I have been one of those "decidedly demode" laughed at "touristy types" that have worn fanny packs for two decades.... Now finally, finally the world has figured out fanny packs are incredibly practical and comfortable. I just cannot wait to start parading out in my fanny packs again. My lovely black embroidered velvet one for dress occasions, my 30 gallon rip stop nylon one for serious tourism, my small and convenient biking/skiing one with water bottle holders.....OH life is worth living again!!!!

You cannot imagine the abuse that has been heaped upon me by so-called "loved ones" because of my fanny pack fetish. At last, it is I in my fanny pack that will be featured on the cover of Vogue, the prescient wise and ever so glamorous one. I see that the only mistake I made was in not properly naming this accessory. If only I had thought to call it a "hands free" bag.... I would never have had to suffer through purses.

Yesterday, before I had received this life-changing news, my own lovely purse that Asherel made for me out of duct tape must have had a premonition. This is a TRUE story. I was at the phone store dealing with my phone exorcism (yesterday's post for those of you who think I am making this up), when all of a sudden, the strap of my purse snapped off. I grabbed the purse and had to carry it without a strap until Asherel could repair it. My own purse was giving me a message. Hands free bags- the wave of the future!

I cannot understand why my future daughter in law has not responded to my email asking her what color she wants my mother of the groom fanny pack to be. And why did my son see this news about the fanny pack, send me the link with only one word in his email: " Great." I think perhaps these beloved ones are not true believers.

Surprisingly, the Bible does discuss fanny packs... though of course back in those days they weren't called fanny packs, or even hands free packs.  They were called "purses that will not wear out." They were used as a symbol of what we should be clothing ourselves with. We should be thinking less of fashion,  and more of what covers us with eternal beauty. That is of course Jesus Himself, who hands us fanny packs that will never go out of style.

Luke 12:23
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.



Psalm 65:12
The grasslands of the wilderness overflow; the hills are clothed with gladness.





--
"Nothing is impossible with God"

The Hardest Job on Earth

I decided I am running for president. It cannot be any harder than getting a 12 year old who hates to dress up outfitted for a wedding. We have been to twelve hundred stores and looked at more dresses than there are stars in the sky.
Here is a compilation of the astute fashion reviews by the 12 year old:
NO! Too old persony. Too pink. Too purple. Too fancy. Too frilly. NO Hannah Montana. Too low. Too high. Too loose. Too tight.
Or my personal favorite.... "I don't know, I just don't like it."

It is not like I waited til the last minute. We started shopping for the shoes 2 months ago. On most of those items I did not get the in depth perspicacious analysis I enjoyed with the dresses. On the shoes, most of the time all I received was an incredulous sneer, and then a stomping flight from the source of such maternal malevolence. We finally settled on shoes that give me shudders to mention, but it was the first shoe other than sneakers she would agree to wear to the wedding- dress Crocs. Yes, all you fashion afficionados, eat your heart out and prepare for the next wave of haute couture to sweep the nation. Plastic shoes that mimic patent leather dress up shoes.

With cunning detente, I was able to persuade her to accede to the necessity of a dress "in theory". This is a huge step from a dress in reality, I discovered. Finally, wrestling her to the ground since she was weakened by the flu, I was able to get two possible outfits on her, and quickly snapped the pictures to send to my assorted consultants- the mother of the bride, my savvy sister, and Matt with his girlfriend who has a chance of remembering what it was like to be twelve. An ominous silence from the mother of the bride for a day, was countered by the rapid fire response of my other consultants. Karissa was gentle in her admonition, Matt said, "EWWWWWWW", and Holly rebuked me firmly and promised a set of guidelines more complex than the Monroe Doctrine. Meanwhile, the twelve year old was constructing a gown out of string art.

I cannot even bear to print the 12 year old's response to the need for stockings. And now we are down to 11 days til D-Day. The emergency forces called in have sent me pictures with no concept of the enemy I face. It is not that I have NO fashion sense.... though I admit that when I was twelve I sewed orange curtain fringe pompoms to the bottom of my jeans as an attractive accent.....It is that I am forced to accept restrictions on the rules of engagement that no General has ever had to face. No bows, no lace, no florals, no pink, no purple, no frills.... and this is just a partial list. Then there is the intangible nonsense that she has to "like" it. If we go to the Children's dept., we are deluged with Hannah Montana which she hates. If we go to the Juniors dept., we are faced with prostitution clothing. If we go to the Misses dept., we are faced with "old persony". What is a mother to do? Well I am giving it one more day, and then I am submitting my resignation papers and settling for a more restful job. Look out President Obama.