Thursday, May 13, 2010

Memoirs of a Nobody

I find myself waking up every day apologizing to God. Thank you Lord for this day, and I am sorry that I didn't use yesterday as I should have. Thank you for my family and I am sorry I took them for granted....again. Thank you for the wonderful ordinary people in my life who are struggling as much as I am, and I wish I could be more patient, and gentle, and understanding when their struggles bump up against my schedule.....

and so on.

I get mighty tired of failure. Fortunately, God seems to understand, even expect it. I am sure it doesn't thrill Him, but He keeps sending me little messages of hope and gentle nudges forward despite it all.

Like last night, I crawled into bed, and the litany of "wouldashouldacouldas..." crept into my thoughts.... and then I heard golf clubs clinking in the living room. I heard my husband giggling... and he is not a giggler. Then the door opened and he lugged his heavy golf club bag to my side. Each golf club had a fuzzy bright many colored bear covering it. The bears had arms and little pointy scarves, just like the Grateful Dead album bears. That my grown husband would find such delight in stuffed animals tickled my heart.

I had received a note from my hoped for agent. She had read my "memoirs" (the second book I have written) and while she says my writing is strong and I have something worth saying, no publisher will agree to publishing the memoirs of a nobody. Now that is not what she called me, but that is what I am. God works through nobodies all the time, but that is not what sells books.

So often I feel like a child trying to be an adult. Adults have a lot to deal with trying to raise real children trying to be adults. I know the weight of that responsibility weighs too heavily on me and on my husband at times. What a small blessing to see the playful, childlike joy of golf club heads with soft fuzzy ears and bright colors in my gloom. Sometimes God's messages are almost too subtle, and so easily overlooked. Today I am going to keep my soul wide open for the tickles of God.

Psalm 36:7-9 (New International Version)

7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
finda]"> refuge in the shadow of your wings.

8 They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.

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