An Ingenious New Weapon

The fastest frisbee speed recorded (from my laborious research conducted over the exhaustive period of three full minutes) is 119 kilometers per hour. The speed of the cough can be up to 160 kilometers per hour. This means that when you cough, you should be labeled a dangerous weapon, and not just for the projectile germs you spew for thousands of miles in all directions. With this new knowledge in hand, one has to wonder about all the fuss over an innovative new energy source. It is clear that all we need to do is harness the cough. There is never a shortage of coughing, it is a renewable resource, and every single country has access to it. Of course, in no time, our government would find a way to tax the cough (as though it were not taxing enough) but that is a subject for a different blog.

I spent another intense research period trying to ascertain how many muscles are used to produce the cough. From what I could gather the best scientific studies indicate, and I quote, "Alot". The cough begins when a foreign object enters the respiratory tract and then the diaphragm and intercostal (rib muscles) violently contract and detonate the explosive response. Some coughs can be so violent as to break ribs. Now, if you have two dogs like we do, and you have ever attempted to break a single rib in half so each may have a piece, you know how hard it is to break ribs.

Normally when I get very sick, I just lay down and groan and suffer and garner as much pity as I can, sometimes culminating in gifts and dinner out. However, with this illness, I am putting my down time to good use and intend to apply for the Nobel Peace Prize with all my good intentions since that appears to be the criteria these days. With dismay I see that the illustrious Senator Kerry intends to go hobnob with the Iranian president since no matter how many times President Obama cries, "No fair!", this stubborn leader insists on developing nuclear weapons and blowing Israel off the face of the earth, just in case they try to make up another Holocaust hoax. President Ahmadinejad is gleeful over Kerry's prospective visit, as no USA leader has visited him in many many years, and he plans to use that overture to full diplomatic advantage. However, we all know that our government is at a loss as to what to do. Well I have a solution. We line up a full battalion on Iran's border of the sickest soldiers we can find, the ones that are in full bronchial distress. We give Iran one warning so the women and children can take cover, and then on the count of three, we cough. Based on my studies, this will flatten Iran.

Now I know that the more observant ones will note that this does not destroy the underground nuclear facilities, but I think it will send a clear message that we mean business. I suspect Ahmadinejad will resign on the spot, and then, and only then, do we give each soldier a cough drop.